Interior Design:
A New Science Curriculum

A consortium of Conservative Jewish Rabbis and Orthodox Presbyterian Elders has unveiled a new science curriculum entitled "Interior Design." Currently the proposal is a detailed 11-page outline for an encyclopedic series of 105 volumes, which proponents hope to interest school textbook publishers in producing over the next seven years.

"We realize that public schools cannot teach a particular religious belief" explained consortium chair Rabbi Jesus Melendez Garcia. "But teachers must recognize that within each discipline of science is a core concept that makes too much sense to be of human origin. Our species is simply not intelligent enough to have figured all of this out in the first place. It must have originated in a subconscious revelation."

Co-chair Rev. Silas Jeremiah Cohen added that too many students graduate from taxpayer-supported school systems with the idea that scientific research is a matter of intuition and random accidents. "How can we expect students to even consider the existence of a holy God, who expects certain standards of behavior? The current watered down textbooks give the impression that the most far-reaching academic achievement is a matter of luck, chance, probability, having no relation to discipline or following rules and standards."

The draft outline released to the press emphasizes that:

1) Ancient Greek Philosophy was God's way of undermining faith in the pagan Olympic Pantheon, to pave the way for St. Paul's evangelism of the Gentiles.

2) The Nativity during the reign of Caesar Augustus was actually the 25th Coming of Christ, by whom all things were made, who came to check up on progress at the close of the Cambrian, Ordovician, Silurian, Devonian, Carboniferous and Permian periods, the Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous periods, and at undetermined times during the Tertiary period of the Cenezoic era.

3) The Law of Moses, properly understood, outlined the scientific method of testing a hypothesis through repeated experiments, and refining theories that would be be more pleasing to God with each round of new research.

4) Many of the detailed instructions for the vessels to be installed in the tent housing the Ark of the Covenant, and in the original Temple in Jerusalem, are coded references to test tubes, beakers, bunsen burners, and crude spectrographs.

5) The Scientific Revolutions was inspired by mystical revelations visited upon Copernicus, Galileo, Sir Isaac Newton, Joseph Priestly, Michelson-Morley, Michael Faraday, Charles Darwin, and Albert Einstein, probably by the Angel Gabriel himself, although Michael may have had some role also.

Interior Design was promptly denounced as fundamentally unsound by Jimmy Gerald Schuyler, press spokesperson at the headquarters of Baptists and Pentecostals United for Separation of Church and State. "As my dear wife Robbie Patterson said to me last night, while we put our eleven children to bed, 'Jimbo, I don't want our children learning about God from science teachers. The whole idea is so profane it makes my skin crawl.' A loving God who sacrificed his only Son to save us from sin cannot be meaningfully revealed in the inevitable gaps punctuating the panorama of Human Reasoning. What man of any faith whatsoever would stand in THAT gap anyway? God certainly has better places to be -- in my heart for instance, which I am not submitting to any curriculum for study."